An empty room

I cleared Josh's room of all toys, his train table, books and lighter furniture.  His tantrums have been escalating to a new level.  It's like he is in a mood to have a fit and every attempt to avoid the trigger is a moot point, because he needs to let some monster out of him.  He physically goes crazy, throwing himself back to the ground, flailing around from side to side.  He kicks, throws toys or anything he can grab.  If I go to him, I get kicked, hit, scratched, bitten.  He has gotten to big for me to continue holding him through it without getting hurt.  He has had some of these level of tantrums at school as well.  In discussing with his lead therapist, we agree it's best to isolate him until he can calm himself down.  He calms down quicker and that avoids any of us providing any reinforcement for his behaviors.

I have been bringing him to his room more often to calm down, but this new level of tantruming has been disheartening to say the least.  His screaming and kicking the door and walls has escalated to throwing around anything he can grab.  So, I cleared out his room.  This has been the most emotional day I have had with him in a long time.  I always try to keep hopeful, but my heart broke as I remembered all the hopes and dreams I had for my son when I decorated his room.  Danny and I painted a blue sky with clouds and airplane wallies.  Our families contributed different airplanes to go around the room.  We filled his bookshelf and hoped to share many books with him. 

So, I packed up his trains and emptied the train table to go the attic.  I bought a doorknob with a lock for his closet door to keep him out of there.  I moved his bookshelf to Kate's room.  He's left with a bed, dresser and nightstand with no airplanes or pictures on top of them.  I pray these fits will end before the room goes down to only a matress.  This seemed so symbolic.  I feel like I can see all my dreams I have been ignoring go away with each thing I packed up.  As much as this hurts, I still have to have hope.  We'll see what happens next, what we can put back into his room to replace our old dreams with our new ones.

I quit blogging, quit Facebook, quit e-mailing, quit calling, quit attempting play groups with Kate the last 3-4 months.  I have not been in a good place emotionally, but do have a good counselor helping me put my life back together in a new way.  I can't begin to explain all that has been happening, but I am attempting to get our updates out again.  I know many friends and family don't feel comfortable asking about how things are going with Josh.  I know it's awkward and difficult to relate, but I appreciate all who have prayed for us, stood by us and supported us in the way you know how.  When you don't know what to say or how to help, please just say a little prayer that God will continue to give us the grace to serve Him through our marriage and in raising our children.

So, with this empty room, we decorated with love and hope for our son, I give it to God to help us keep hope alive, build new dreams and love in a way we never knew we could.