An empty room

I cleared Josh's room of all toys, his train table, books and lighter furniture.  His tantrums have been escalating to a new level.  It's like he is in a mood to have a fit and every attempt to avoid the trigger is a moot point, because he needs to let some monster out of him.  He physically goes crazy, throwing himself back to the ground, flailing around from side to side.  He kicks, throws toys or anything he can grab.  If I go to him, I get kicked, hit, scratched, bitten.  He has gotten to big for me to continue holding him through it without getting hurt.  He has had some of these level of tantrums at school as well.  In discussing with his lead therapist, we agree it's best to isolate him until he can calm himself down.  He calms down quicker and that avoids any of us providing any reinforcement for his behaviors.

I have been bringing him to his room more often to calm down, but this new level of tantruming has been disheartening to say the least.  His screaming and kicking the door and walls has escalated to throwing around anything he can grab.  So, I cleared out his room.  This has been the most emotional day I have had with him in a long time.  I always try to keep hopeful, but my heart broke as I remembered all the hopes and dreams I had for my son when I decorated his room.  Danny and I painted a blue sky with clouds and airplane wallies.  Our families contributed different airplanes to go around the room.  We filled his bookshelf and hoped to share many books with him. 

So, I packed up his trains and emptied the train table to go the attic.  I bought a doorknob with a lock for his closet door to keep him out of there.  I moved his bookshelf to Kate's room.  He's left with a bed, dresser and nightstand with no airplanes or pictures on top of them.  I pray these fits will end before the room goes down to only a matress.  This seemed so symbolic.  I feel like I can see all my dreams I have been ignoring go away with each thing I packed up.  As much as this hurts, I still have to have hope.  We'll see what happens next, what we can put back into his room to replace our old dreams with our new ones.

I quit blogging, quit Facebook, quit e-mailing, quit calling, quit attempting play groups with Kate the last 3-4 months.  I have not been in a good place emotionally, but do have a good counselor helping me put my life back together in a new way.  I can't begin to explain all that has been happening, but I am attempting to get our updates out again.  I know many friends and family don't feel comfortable asking about how things are going with Josh.  I know it's awkward and difficult to relate, but I appreciate all who have prayed for us, stood by us and supported us in the way you know how.  When you don't know what to say or how to help, please just say a little prayer that God will continue to give us the grace to serve Him through our marriage and in raising our children.

So, with this empty room, we decorated with love and hope for our son, I give it to God to help us keep hope alive, build new dreams and love in a way we never knew we could.

Discharged from PT

Josh was re-assessed for physical therapy back in June (1 year since we started).  He met his 6-month goals, but the bar was raised, so his age adjustment didn't move.  His physical therapist suggested we try going monthly to see if he'd progress at the same rate.  We did that and in October, he didn't do well.  She feared she made the wrong recommendation and wanted us to re-asses him after his 4th birthday. 

At some point in November, Josh started climbing stairs with alternating legs and no rail. His climbing at the park improved greatly and when we worked on hopping on one foot, he finally can get his right leg slightly off the ground.

We went the day after Thanksgiving.  She scored his results and he was discharged from PT because he tested in age range!!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!

Here is her discharge report:

"Josh scored an overall gross motor score of  -0.87 standard deviations (or z score) from the norm on the Peabody Developmental Motor Scales 2 test.  This score indicated overall gross motor skills within average ranges (-1.0 to 1.0 standard deviations).  He improved his standard score in the locomotion subtest by 2 improving from a 5 to a 7 in this section.  Typically 8-12 standard scores in each subtest area are considered within normal ranges within that subtest.  He also improved his object manipulation (ball skills) and stationary (body control/balance) by 1 each.  These improvements and an overall range from gross motor with within average rangees, indicates strong improvement by Josh in his gross motor skills.  Therefore, PT is no longer indicated for Josh at this time and discharge was discussed with his family.  It is recommended that he continue to have exposure to gross motor activity through community based activities such as playgrounds with siblings and friends....  Peabody 2 scores Josh's chronological age at 48 months."

48 months!!!  I hated seeing his ball skills and locomotion at 18 months for the longest time.  I'm very excited.  Way to go, Josh!  Way to go, Emma and Kate for all their play skills that helped push him along!

We were at a play ground recently and Josh was having trouble climbing up some platforms around a pole.  I helped him a few times, then he got it on his own.  When I was helping him, a little boy around 5-6 years old was asking Emma about Josh.  He asked how old he was, then questioned why he needed my help to climb since was able to that when he was younger than Josh.  Emma said that Josh just needs extra help sometimes just like her little sister does.  He said okay.  I loved that the little boy was comfortable asking questions, how Emma answered so perfectly with no hesitation, and that the little boy continued to embrace Josh and play with him and Emma.

We recently started classes at a special needs gym.  Josh is with 2 other little boys and enjoying it a lot.  I think it will be the perfect transition from PT to help maintain his gross motor skills and help rebuild his core muscles and coordination more.  In addition, it's a great opportunity to work on social skills, too.
For those in the Dallas area, check it out:
http://www.sensationalmovement.com/

Happy 4th Birthday, Josh!

We celebrated Josh's 4th birthday before Thanksgiving.  He had a great birthday.  We had my parents, brother and grandmother over in addition to Danny's parents the evening before his birthday.  Josh had his usual "pancakes" for dinner with an extra side of meat and an extra banana to eat.  I made him a diet-compliant cake from baked butternut squash, honey, cinnamon and a duck egg.  I baked it and made frosting from a mashed banana.  He was SO excited to have a cake with a number 4 candle on it!!!

As we sang "Happy Birthday" to him (or hacky birkday, as he says it), he looked around at each person singing, beaming.  He soaked it all in and was very clear to answer that he was 4 when we asked.

He loved opening presents and was amazing checking out each gift and saying, "thank you" to the giver.  He geniunely enjoyed the day.  When he was done opening presents, he said, "Happy Birthday all done!"

One of my highlights of his birthday was the morning of.  He goes to the neighborhood elementary school for group speech therapy two mornings a week.  His speech teacher coordinated with Emma's teacher to bring him to Emma's class and have her class sing to him.  She said he was ear-to-ear smiles and when they finished he said a big, "THANK YOU!"  She also said he kept saying hello to Emma, but Emma, who follows all the rules, didn't think she was allowed to talk, so she only waved back at him.  He persisted saying hi to her until he got one back.  This story brought me such joy because he loved it and felt so special on his birthday.  It was also heartwarming for Emma to come home and tell us about it and the joy she felt, too.

We have recently found a special-needs gym in the area, started by an occupational therapist.  We have enrolled Josh for weekly classes to help build his core muscles and give him some social opportunities.  We had a birthday part there the following weekend and invited some of Josh's friends from behavioral therapy school, as well as a few family friends.  They had a great time!  We didn't do cake or presents, just a fun play date with his friends.  Our challenge was that Josh viewed it as another birthday party and since we had one at home during the week, he assumed that another party meant he was another year older.  It took us about 4 days to convince him that he is still 4 and not 5.

Six months ago, I dreaded Josh turning 4.  It seemed that each time we took a few steps forward, the bar kept getting raised and even though he was meeting his therapy goals, the goals kept moving on him.  I didn't want a day to think about all he had not accomplished.  But his birthday was a happy day.  Josh has progressed so much and I feel hopeful for his future.  My dad is always wonderful at helping me keep perspective.  He reminded me that my hopes were that by the time Josh was 4 he would be potty-trained and that he could have a basic conversation.  He accomplished both by far!

Happy Birthday, sweet Josh!